I know we can’t always agree, but why do our disagreements always end in deadlock?

Here are a few tips from Miriam on how to deal with disagreements in a positive way.

• Children learn by example. If you argue with your partner, or with other adults, most especially if the arguments are unresolved, the children will copy you.
• Don't think you can always 'win'. Children – and parents – have a strong desire to win and equate losing an argument with being weak or bad. You can't win an argument with a child. If the child concedes – which few ever do – they are probably feeling hurt. If the child ‘wins’ because parents give in, any temporary sense of achievement is hollow as they now have to deal with a frustrated parent.
• Wise parents avoid arguments at all costs. The secret is to be diplomatic while still standing your ground. Give up your natural desire to win and aim for gradual progress through co-operation.
• Don't drift into arguments through criticism. Highlight what they have done right and help them see how they can make it even better.
• Think about their reasons. Try to include them in the choices you make and don’t insist on them doing it your way if it makes little difference.
• Look for the needs behind the wants. They can’t – and shouldn’t – always get what they want, but hopefully we can give them what they need.
• 'Yes’ can also mean ‘no’. Yes, you can watch TV as soon as we’ve finished clearing the table.
• Talk about it. Use a quiet moment to discuss past disagreements and decide how you will both behave if the situation arises again.
• Try to avoid direct contradiction. Listen carefully and help your child to think through the reasons you might have for disagreeing with them, while allowing them to tell you how they feel.