When tempers are frayed, how do I take the sting out of the situation?

Here are a few tips from Miriam on how to defuse a conflict situation. 

• When our emotions are high, our intelligence is low. Don’t think you can resolve a situation while everyone is angry and upset. You may well not act as thoughtfully as you would normally and your child will have no brain power left to think at all.

• Calm it down. When your children are angry, your first task is to help them calm down. Only then will they be ready to co-operate, or to learn any lessons that they may need to learn.

• Physical anger management. For most children, the easiest way is by doing something physical: punching a pillow, jumping, dancing or shouting to loud music, tearing scrap paper into strips, scribbling on a large sheet of paper, jumping on a trampoline.

• Quiet anger management. Other children prefer to retreat to a quiet place, perhaps sulk or cry. Others get comfort from an object they are attached to, such as a particular blanket or soft toy. Slow, deep breathing can help.

• Mental anger management. Do something more demanding of your brain, such as counting backwards from 100.

• Discuss what they are doing. Talk with your child when they are relaxed so they understand that things they do naturally – such as retiring to their room to calm down – is something they can choose to do to help them deal with difficult feelings.

• Talk. In a quiet moment, talk to them about how they feel so they recognise emotions.